the password is ur id.

much love,
the wife

anais nin makes me stronger. her writings makes me realise that i can be better than what i am right now.
i can’t give up. i can never give up on this great gift from god. i need to hold on. hold onto myself. no one
else gives a damn about you but yourself. not even your husband, mother, father, brother or sister. friends,
they dont give a shit about you either. they just assume you are fine when you are pratically not even near to
fine.

this is my gameplan. a gameplan to live. maybe live a few more years and if i can still outlive that plan, i shall replan
my life. i am talking shit. good night.

and today,
after 1year i feel suicidal all over again.
i feel terribly nausea each time i tried to fight back
those tears.

everything seems to be in gray motion. i am fighting back.
terribly fighting it. the taste of milky whiteness still feel fresh
in my throat. it’s like my emotion is being controlled by a remote
controller. when the time is up, i will be down in certain angle.
this irks me terribly much.

oh dear god,
please wake me up when it’s over.

love,
your child.

oh my dear lord,
hello once again. this child of yours is beyond exhausted. she needs a breather. she needs to rest. night shift is turning her into one big pale figure. even during her sleep she can hear the bells ringing and the whispers of her crying patients. please bring forward the days so she can enjoy her much awaited day, 1.1.2010! she is damn excited about the 18.12.2009 too. please hurry the dates.

i promise to run extra mile if u could do that!

luv,
your beautiful child!

oh thee glory days,

how i don’t miss you anymore.

dear nurul,

sleep and smile when you can finally wake up from the dream that you created in the twilight. wake up when you feel it’s time to wake up. touch the world that no one has ever touched it before. breathe the air that is stale to others but fresh to yourself. you are your own bestfriend. your body is afterall a temple of solace. pain and sorrow are momentarily. it comes and go. just like digits that subtract away from your life. you may feel like the end is nearing but the truth its only the begining. catch me tonight at the twilight with my little guardian flickering its brightest light for you. stars do calm u down. song number 7 brighten your soul. good nite and may you wake up in time.

p.apercut&r.azordelight.
Nurul H.A. Darma

and when i told u that i terribly miss is because i had a bad dream.
a dream about you & me.
and yes,i still miss you badly.

papercut&razordelight.
.

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.
yes, i have lost the ability to write.
i have lost the ability to understand myself as a human being.
remind me the next time to NEVER lament about anything to anyone.
you are your own, best friend. *tap herself and sprinkle a little dosage of salt*

and this is the time where i need solace and not company.

asked me what i want, i can list you more than  1001 of things that I WANT badly and perhaps that is not even important. but as much as i want all the materials in the world, i only need one thing in my present life. i need to possess this sense of happiness that no one can ever robbed it away from me. i want happiness within myself that can outshine that darkness in me. the darkness that would capture and hide me away during my downs&up’s period.
i need nothing except happiness. and till then, i will never stop being who and what i am right now. this liner on my hand is a reminder of me to find a better happiness in me. and thank you for being a part of that happiness. for after so long, i get that happiness that never seems to outshine in me.

thank you, my little stardust.
so now, can you please grant me 3 wishes.
1) 1/1/2010 to quickly come
2) 20/12/2012 to quickly come
3) a new life and a new job and HELLO DIPLOMA!!!!!!!!

ps: some people do procastinate but PRODCUES results. some procastinate and has no result. some DO NOT procastinate  and has result. i am one of the person who procastinate alot yet PRODUCES results.

and the ironic part is that,
the husband to be knows exactly what i want to eat
or drink without having to be told. and as scary as he was
earlier on, he is still adorable. and no, it’s still not a laughing matter.

mind over body so hello bedok reservoir at 330pm. oh, saya sayang awak.
oklie, skg seriously saya nak jump on the bed and read my little booklet to
sleep. 3,4,5,6,7 …5hrs tu..boleh la!