Hello and be gone
October 20, 2015, 2:02 am
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It’s been a long long time since I literally sit down on a good comfy chair and write something. Juggling motherhood, full time job and a wife is a tiring job. 

I’m coming back. I need to. For my own sanity. Bless you. Bless me. 


pls pls pls.
April 17, 2013, 1:19 pm
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dear Allah,

forgive me. sometimes I wish to give up with life. many times I feel that I am a failure time and time again. Everything anything I do is always wrong. Everyone and anyone would point their gun straight at my heart without even allowing me to justify myself. I’m tired of keeping it cool. I’m tired of pretending that things will be back to normal. What is normal when all my life has been loads of abnormality.

6months ago, you gave me a beautiful present. Sitti Alawiyah, she taught me many things. She taught me how not to give up despite anything. But I’m tired, Allah. I had enough. My eyes, it’s filled with nothing. I’m left with no more tears. Each time I feel like letting go, it’s Alawiyah that I’m worried about. She is only 6months plus and she still needs me just like how I need her. I’m doing a good job, am I? Please tell me I’m doing a good job as a mother cause I’m new in this. I’m alone in this journey despite having a husband. He, is forever busy or sleeping soundly at night.
3 zombiefied shift and is currently taking my senior course. I am loaded with chores everywhere. It’s so difficult to keep with everyone’s demand. Only she makes me smile and forget about tr world momentarily.

pls Allah, guide me to be stronger. not for myself but to the mother in so I could provide her with the goodness of the world whether alone or together with anyone who is Iklhas about it.

Pls Allah, keep my iman stronger. keep me sane when the moment I feel like snapping. Motherhood, has been nothing but a bliss of happiness so pls don’t let it disappear from me.

I may be a bad daughter, daughter in law, sister, friend or wife but being MOTHER has perfected me as a human. And no one can justify me unless his name is ALLAH!

the silence strike
May 10, 2012, 8:24 am
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I don’t need to justify myself to anyone but Him.

because you are the reason.
March 10, 2012, 4:04 pm
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dear baby, 

i love you. pls stay strong for your dearest mother & daddy who is anxiously waiting for you to grow out of your little grapefruit size into a real human kicking baby. i will feed you the best food ever. let you listen to the most beautiful songs ever composed by the human race. read you stories about life, love and the world. i will let you see the beautiful world that got polluted by the human race. i will protect you like how you make me realise that i need to be a strong woman.

please grow. i promise you my little sprout that i will take care of myself. no straining of myself. i promise you that little sprout. we have big dreams for you. nah, im not asking you to be a lawyer, teacher or doctor. i’ll let you be what you want to be as long as you stay safe. stay safe for me & your daddy. your daddy who is super excited to play soccer with you. your daddy who is anxiously waiting for you. day & night, he would pretend that you are already kicking mommy’s tummy.

be safe, my little one. be safe, in me. for you are the reason i fall in love with myself again & again.


January 5, 2012, 5:10 pm
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I love my husband a lot.

because i was sleeping and got reminded of how things were so complicated then,
November 14, 2011, 3:08 am
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“..please do not love me for you are loving me for the wrong reason. Breathe when the tide gets super high and hold onto this particular pillar (faith) and believe in yourself that you will get it far. And one particular day, there will be a man. a man who will knock you out with every little thing that he do and that particular man will be the reason to why you hanged on tight. Close your eyes now. Think of the stars and the lullabies that i sang to you for all this while. Never lose faith, i am no longer a figment in your dear fragile thoughts. I love you but i am not your destiny. Count together with the Stars and when you are ready, open up your beautiful eyes…remember i am no longer in you.not even a figment in your thoughts….”  – circa 2007





thank you. i am much better now. i no longer hate you.

because i am proud to have the blood of indonesian in me.
November 14, 2011, 2:23 am
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many years ago & still counting, i feel in love with my culture. too deeply that i nearly got myself a man there.
(don’t get me started) one of the few things that i somehow got really in love with is there music. and this particular music.
i am mad. mentally mad.